Motherhood: Does anyone know this mother?

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Motherhood-2I know a mother who tries to get through each day to the best of her ability. Scrap that, all the mothers I know whether they are friends or mothers I work with get through the day the best way they can.
Some days are ok, some are not ok and some are total shockers. The days where you feel that you cannot possibly carry on, I know those too. “I hate my life” are words that sadly I hear daily. Listening makes up a huge part of my day. Working with children means I am interacting and connecting with their mothers. Mothers who love their children with every ounce of their body, yet struggle to love who they are and every single moment is too much.

When we are having a good day ( remembering your good day can be a total opposite of someone else’s) we to tend forget that another may be having a not so good day and we automatically make an assumption, to some extent we can blame judging to the way we are wired, we all do it. Barely stopping to take a breath to imagine the bigger picture that consists of  thousands of events going right back into childhood to present day, a picture that effects every single one of us, every day. The voice in our heads is there forever.

Behaviour a complex array of habits, patterns, personal values and thoughts that make us uniquely who we are, that automatically makes us perceive another’s behaviour seem irrational to our way of thinking.  Why did they do that? They could have done it this way. In moments where someone has to keep going, what you see as a wrong,  is that person’s only rational way to keep their sanity, to keep them moving into another tomorrow. Not extreme behaviour but opting to do the school run in PJ’s because they can, using paper plates for dinner or putting a movie on for the kids instead of struggling with another homework war. A sanity saver is a personal choice. It is non comparable. Life has so many curve balls and each individual has so much mental baggage that what might be a non negotiable no to you, is their lifesaver. It will get them through to see another day.  ”Do what you feel will get you through today” is my mantra for every mother I see.

Eight out of ten mothers I work with has a type of depression, anxiety or a disorder diagnosed by a professional. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders pages 31 to 816 covers them all. We all have at least three episodes in our lifetime that fit the criteria of a mental disorder. We do not bother to see the doctor,  ironically too busy for our own care and undiagnosed we soldier on to the best of  our ability. Even baby steps are impossible on bad days, we do what we have to, in order to collapse at bedtime, then we lie there with a head full of guilt and shame because your child did not eat a piece of fruit today, the plates are in the sink and the last time you thought about having sex was 1992 and  yeah it all restarts the next day.

Opinions are valid. Values are what you believe and are relevant to you. Opinions and values are individual ideals. Your essential value for example may be your faith, which on my value scale has not one iota of importance to me. My friendships are not formed on whether you take your children to Macca’s, whether you attend church every Sunday or you eat sandwiches for dinner. I like you, I don’t necessarily agree with your beliefs and everything you do but I accept them. Your values do not interfere with my life or my family. Not knowing your full upbringing and not being able to see everything that goes on inside your head, I see a friend and I see another mother. 

Social media has added another dimension to our real world. The real world where we used to be solely concerned about our own personal values and focus on living the reality is now online and we scrutinise every little thing another person says. They do not do what we believe is 100% correct and we let them know immediately. Who gives a toss? They took their child to school in an unclean uniform. Bad mother. Take her children away. Who cares she has depression, anxiety and guilt. Shame on her. Mothers do not need shame. We carry enough shame and guilt on our own. We already feel guilty daily.

I love the word passionate. It is great to be passionate about your beliefs and values but there is an invisible line, in that if your belief or value causes hurt, pain, shame, and sadness to another, it cannot be that wonderful.  I dislike the word hypocrisy. Where you believe your belief is better than anyone else’s and you do not take a second before pointing that out. Does someone’s address make them less of a person or mother?

They use packet mix to make cakes and took them to school on a plastic tray covered with glad wrap and with this act in your eyes they have failed, they have made a  huge mistake and you will pounce on them because you passionately believe that you are right. It counteracts your passion of baking homemade cakes and being environmentally friendly. Perhaps this mother has no choice. It is her way, her life, her normality , her getting through each day to her what she feels she can do.  A value is meant to be good and personal and an opinion does not rely on fact or the bigger picture. It tells you nothing about the other person, their state of mind or their life.

I teach children compassion and empathy in the real world and online factoring in that not everyone will agree with them and that online people a quick to assume and they will let them know that instantly. Their words may hurt you as no one has time to think about the bigger picture.
Realistically I know nothing is going to change, the old saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything” or “Think before you speak” has long gone. So I am arming the future generation with a super armour called resilience and we practice ‘Kind Eyes’ in every class I teach. Adult behaviour is ingrained and hard to change. Children are more accepting, perhaps look at their world and take a moment to reflect on the bigger picture. Keep passionate about what you value but keep in mind that values are unique.

It is impossible to please everyone and constantly think will my words cause upset when your burning passionate value is so strong you have to speak up, hear my voice, what she is doing is wrong. Is it effecting your life? Your children? Do you know if she carries a depression so dark that she can hardly breathe? Was her child named the school bully and she cannot fathom why? So many ifs to consider, you only need to imagine one before you speak or type.

I know a mother who tries her best. I may not agree with everything she does or says but her sanity is critical not my belief.  My values may fall by the wayside one day because in order to keep taking that baby step to get me through, I will feed my kids Macca’s on a paper plate, without them showering for a day or two and spend the day watching movies in their PJ’s because no one knows what is going on in my head.

 

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Nathalie Brown

Child Behaviour Consultant at Easy Peasy Kids
Child behaviour consultant and researcher. Creator of "Less tantrums. More smiles". I look at the bigger picture and think outside the box when working with children and their behaviour. Their world is different. As adults we tend to forget this. It is not easy being a parent and sometimes it not easy being a child. Mum to Miss 17 and Mr 8. I eat chocolate daily.

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Comments

  1. Lisa Beavan says:

    Nailed it again Nathalie. xx

  2. A beautiful post Nathalie. Being a parent is hard. We all need to have so much compassion and empathy for each other – and we need to learn to teach our own children these things, for the sake of our families and for the relationships that they are building and will build in future.

  3. The world really needs more people like you Nathalie. Being a mother is hard enough without throwing in judgement as well. I love that you are teaching kids about resilience because like you say, not everyone adheres to the same values that we hold dear.

  4. Thanks for this reminder Natalie. I agree with what you say wholeheartedly but I do forget sometimes…. in the online world it feels so possible to “know” someone because you may know a lot, but there is no way to know everything. And even then we have no right to point the finger though online that is so easy to do because we have lost the personal element of communication. I will be more wary of this now, thank you. xo

  5. I have never understood the way some women choose to tear others down – online and off. We are all just surviving. And often the difference between surviving a day and really enjoying it can be the presence of a fellow mum to share it with. I cherish my mum friends!

    Great post, Nathalie. xx

  6. Completely agree! Only on rare occasions will a child we know be in any actual danger so why should we stick our nose in about the small stuff? We *don’t* know what’s going on over there. My closest mother friends for instance range in their work fields from top end management, professionals, to social work, cafe or supermarket, to stay-at-home. The common thread that keeps our friendships connected is broadmindedness. Awareness. Empathy. Even then, we can’t employ all those qualities 100% every day because we are busy getting through too. I get it. xx

  7. Well said and a very thoughtful post Nat, it’s always good to remember that there are at least two sides to every story. I for one have had days where the kids watch TV for way too long, eat too much junk (even Maccas) and you can barely see the floor through all the mess.

  8. I think what you do is so great. My daughter is adopted (by me) and was adopted through the foster care system. I find it odd that many people assume her first mom didn’t love her, just because she was incapable of taking care of her well. She suffers from many of the above, but I know that she truly did love my daughter… her daughter. She is just not capable of taking care of her.

  9. Debyl1 says:

    I get a huge smile on my face when I think of how much comfort you give to so many..
    Every person you come across,young or old,is blessed to have you touch their life.
    Sending you a big hug with a big thank you for making this world a better place.xx

    • Hello Beautiful, so good to hear from you. How are you and your mum? I’m sure many don’t feel blessed when they see me, I can be quite the old cranky pants too xx

  10. Debyl1 says:

    I’m doing ok thanks hon.
    Get a little burnt out sometimes from the constant of the nursing home.
    Mum is doing well so that makes it all worthwhile.xx

  11. Beautifully said Nath. If there’s one thing I have tried to do in the last few years it is to stop making snap judgements. I don’t like it when people do it to me so I owe it to other people not to do it to them. We’re all just doing the very best we can and if we all extended kindness to each other instead of a judgemental frown … we’d all be struggling just that little bit less wouldn’t we?!

    • I also think we add to our own stress, when we are so concerned about what someone else may or not be doing. I do also see immense amounts of kindness which restores my faith amongst the angst.

  12. Great post thank you Nathalie.

  13. Another thoughtful piece from you Nat. It is so easy to pass judgement. People do it automatically these days, without a second thought. I appreciated the reminder once again.

  14. Beautifully written honey and a wonderful way to make me step back and refocus on the big picture and to be more fair to my fellow women.

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